Nighttime Solace

Early last week I had asked God to help remind me of my renewed resolve (wow that's a lot of "R's") to set aside specific time to spend with Him and reading his word. Twice this week I woke up at 2am, unable to sleep, feeling slightly anxious and unsettled. I did something I've never done before...I got up, grabbed my Bible, devotional book, "prayer box" and headed out to the kitchen table to spend some time with God.

The first night it was one of those "ok, I'm up anyway and I don't want to keep Aaron awake" kind of moments. I ended up spending almost 2 hours reading and talking to God. The amazing part was that I really didn't feel missing those 2 hours of sleep the next morning. I am one of those need-8-hours-of-sleep-to-function kind of people...usually if I get less than 7 hours a night I turn into a whiny mess (just ask my husband). However, that next morning I woke up refreshed and ready to take on the day.

Interesting tact there God...

The second night, I had once again forgotten to set aside the time in a busy day to spend with God and once again, I was kept awake at around 2am...this time I almost had to laugh - God was answering my prayer to make sure I spend time with Him - how cool is that?! I gamely headed out to the kitchen table and cracked open my devotional book.

That night's chapter was on the story of Mary washing Jesus' feet with perfume (John 12:3), the focus was on extravagant love. Extravagant love is the kind of love that disregards everything else so it can focus on one thing alone...the object of that love. It is sacrificial. This is the kind of love Mary displayed when she gave literally all she had in the form of an extremely expensive alabaster jar of the perfume to wash Jesus' feet as an act of love and worship.

Extravagant love cannot be faked. Matthew says it best in chapter 12 - "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." In Mary's case, she did even more - she acted on the overflow of her heart. There were people present, even Jesus' own disciples, who judged her for such an extravagant act of worship. They protested that the perfume should have been sold and the money given to the poor instead of "wasted". Jesus told them to leave her alone. It was Mary's act of worship and He accepted her.

Jesus has given us the ultimate example of extravagant love. He laid down his life for us. That act cost Him everything, and yet He gave. He did so out of the same kind of extravagant, life-changing love He expects from us.

On the heels of that powerful reading, I dug into Psalm 63...which hit me between the eyes in a few ways! I love when God's Word does that - really, truly God speaking to me right there in my life, in any situation.

A few verses jumped out at me and were more than slightly ironic considering I was reading the Bible at about 3am!

v. 1 - O God, You are my God; early I will seek You. My soul longs for you.

v. 6-8 - When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches - because You have been my help. Therefore, in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice. My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me.

Amen?

Heck yeah Amen!

I haven't forgotten to spend time with God daily since that last 3am encounter and He is still continuing to speak to me through His word. I am almost done with this devotional book and am on the hunt for a new one to start tomorrow - if anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them!

Having a "Mary" Heart in a "Martha" World

I have just begun a new personal Bible study. I finished up my study going through this book and was really looking for just the right "next" book to read as part of my daily quiet time with God. I wasn't really inspired by much I was finding until I came across this book packed in a box. I have no idea where I got it - maybe from my sister Kate - but it practically leaped out of the box and smacked me in the face.

God knows me pretty well - I need obvious direction, subtle is not my style!

I started going through this book last week and it seems to be exactly what I need to be reading these days. I've been struggling with prioritizing daily time with God, which is something I've been trying to work on since our church did the "Free Growth Report.com" series...but I've gotten distracted and discouraged these past few months with us moving, juggling jobs and transportation, etc. I've allowed life to take over instead of proactively setting aside time each day to spend in God's Word and in prayer. I know that I'm suffering because of it, I feel less focused and much more easily overwhelmed than I do when I know I'm fully anchored through daily communication with Him.

Hence the book almost smacking me in the face!

The book is called "Having A Mary Heart in A Martha World". Those of you unfamiliar with this Mary and Martha story can find it in the Bible - Luke 10:48-42.

It is my goal to regularly blog about what I am learning through this study and I hope that some of what I learn can encourage you too. The very first chapter in this book is really an introduction into the short story of Mary and Martha (two sisters) when Jesus and his disciples unexpectedly come to visit their home.

Luke 10:42 "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her."

Just a little background - the basic story is that when Jesus and his disciples came to visit, Martha was busy about the house making preparations for them. Cooking, cleaning, etc. Mary chose to sat at Jesus' feet and listen to Him teach. Martha became frustrated with her sister and the fact that she wasn't helping with the preparations and Jesus used it as an opportunity to teach us how we can prioritize spending time with our God in a busy world.

This first chapter of the book focused on the fact that whether you tend to be a bit driven, like Martha, or more contemplative, like Mary, God is calling you to intimacy with Him through Jesus Christ. The only requirement for a deeper friendship with God is showing up with a heart open and ready to receive.

The world we live in clamors, "Do more! Be all you can be!" But our heavenly Father whispers, "Be still and know that I am God." He isn't as much looking for busy workers as He is for children - to be a son or daughter of God means to know Him first, prioritize a relationship with Him first, then everything else will fall into place. Putting work before worship truly putting the "cart before the horse". When we first spend time in His presence, God gives us the power and strength we need to serve Him and go about the challenges each day brings us whether at work or at home.

When it comes down to it, part of me is Mary - I want to worship and spend time with Jesus. However, part of me is Martha - there is so much to be done! Life is hectic at every level, so where do we find the time and energy to worship our Lord and serve Him among the demands of being an employee, a wife, a mother, etc.?

It comes down to obedience. There is time to work, but there is also time to worship. It all comes back to adjusting those pesky priorities.

I'm making a commitment to really work on that issue in my own life, and so far I've been keeping that commitment well. It's beginning to make a difference in my own thoughts and prayers and I find myself looking forward to spending time in God's Word and this new book. It doesn't feel like "work" to try to carve out "extra" time to spend with God...it feels more like a privilege and something I must do in order to make it through the day...like eating breakfast or remembering to take a shower (also extremely important!).

Do any of you have any ideas that work for you as you try to prioritize worship in your daily life? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

"Doubt Your Doubts and Believe Your Beliefs"

Oh Switchfoot...the only "Christian" band my youth pastor could convince me to listen to when I was in high school...the only one I thought had any type of musical merit. I guess I was right since they're still together and turning out hit records...but I digress...

This morning's message at church brought the lyrics I used to title this particular post to mind. As the third installment in our "OVERCOME" series, this message focused on the struggle of doubt. Not a fun concept, but one that every Christian runs into...yet somehow rarely talks about. As if having doubts about your faith and your God when life slams you with the unexpected and the tragic is a weakness. Ridiculous...not to mention completely un-Biblical.

This particular message struck close to home for me because my husband shared his testimony and our recent experiences with doubt as a part of it. Each week, as a part of this series, our pastoral staff has recorded an interview with one or two individuals in the church who were willing to share their struggles with that week's specific topic. Aaron recorded his earlier this week and it was shown as a part of the message in the services this morning (and this evening). Check out the first part of his testimony here: http://vimeo.com/22207825

I almost teared up myself watching him talk so openly about how we struggled with doubting God's provision and love over the past few months as Aaron's been out of work and it has seemed like we've been abandoned by our God. The woman sitting next to me actually did shed a few tears! After our pastor gave an amazing message, Aaron finished his testimony summing up how we fought through that period of doubt and discouragement, were able to put our trust and faith in our Creator and obey His Word...and God provided and continues to provide for us...just as He has always promised.

Check out the second part of his testimony by clicking here: http://vimeo.com/22210131

If you want to check out the message (and I highly recommend it!), click here or go to www.orbc.net and click on the "messages" link. The title of this week's message is Overcoming Doubt (4/10/2011).

I had to smile at times listening to our pastor speak this morning because he echoed some of the principles I have recently (and not-so-recently) come to hold dear as I've grown up and struggled through seasons of doubt. One of the points he emphasized is that doubt is not ALL bad. Doubt can drive me closer to God, it can allow me to discover new truths about God and can deepen my faith. Another wise man in my life sat across a kitchen table from me when I was about 16 years old, crying tears of complete frustration, and told me the exact same principles.

I was blessed, as a teenager, to have a youth pastor and his wife who insisted on making a deep impact in my life. This man is someone I have respected and looked up to for years and I continue to admire. He was the one who performed the wedding ceremony for my husband and me and has been a huge spiritual influence on my life.

When I was a teenager I really struggled with the concept of God being present in my day-to-day life, trying to reconcile why horrible things happened on this earth to those I loved and those I had never even met. My childlike world of black and white was muddying into shades of gray and I was angry. At God, at spiritual leaders, at those so-called "Christians" I encountered who were nothing but hypocrites pushing their own judgmental agendas, not caring who they hurt in the process.

However, I had someone in my life who came alongside me, taught me that it was good, even valuable to ask questions about the Bible and God's nature. That doubting in itself is not wrong, is not a sin and it depends on the attitude I express to God. I was young, desperately seeking answers from a God I didn't understand.

I vividly remember one afternoon I was sitting across from my youth pastor, listing off the reasons I had for being angry and for doubting God cared...he said something to me that I never forgot and was later repeated by my mother (years later)...

Circumstances change. God never will.

That statement took the wind out of my sails immediately, almost stealing my breath. It is the first time I can actually pinpoint "hearing" the words of the Lord...it was as if He spoke to me, through my youth pastor, through someone who loved me like family to remind me of such a vital truth I would later cling to.

Later in life, really beginning in my senior year of college, I experienced grief like I never had before. I had never had anyone close to me die. Unfortunately that year, one of my friends was tragically killed...he was a year older than I was...his father was the pastor of my home church and we had known each other since we were toddlers. I remember getting the news of his death (I don't envy my mother that phone call!) and literally losing the strength in my legs and I sank to the floor in the dorm hallway unable to even speak. As I booked a flight to go home to attend my friend's funeral...I honestly don't remember much of that process.

I remember the funeral, the awful tight and empty nausea that hit me the second I walked in the doors of the church and saw that casket. In the days that followed I didn't want to hear a word about God, about His faithfulness, about His plan...all those words sounded like meaningless platitudes to me and I struggled to come to terms with the death of someone so young and so close to my own life.

It was about two months later when my mom said something to me that finally got through, something that I've carried with me ever since. I was on the phone with her, angry, tired, still grieving and crying for answers, for explanations from a God I once again didn't understand. She said simply, "focus on what you know to be true. What do you KNOW?"

I know God is good.
I know God loves each and every one of us.
I know my friend (Jonathan) is in heaven with Him even now.
I know God is good.
I know God is GOOD.

That phrase became almost a mantra in my head that I repeated over and over every time I started doubting God's presence or His nature. I KNOW God is good. That will never change. He never changes. Circumstances and my feelings will always change. He is ever-unchanging.

This morning's message brought all of that history back to light, those truths that I've clung to over the years as loved ones have passed away, as I've seen close friends lose young children and babies to sickness and disaster, as I watch those I love battle cancer or other horrible illnesses. Some days it is the only thing I can hang onto to stave off doubt...God is good.

As our pastor spoke this morning, he added one more truth to that vital mix in my head...it comes from Jeremiah 29:13 - "If you look for me with your whole heart, you WILL find Me."

There it is, right there in black and white in the Bible, God's most amazing truth. He is always there. All we have to do is look.

Over the years I've depended on some amazing individuals to point me back to God and to His truth during times of doubt. One of the most important things to remember is to be honest about struggling with doubt. Keeping everything inside and pretending just because you believe in God and His Son, you're perfect and shouldn't let anyone know that you doubt is insane. Not only is it self-destructive, it is completely contrary to what the Bible says!

Keep in mind what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9: "We are often troubled, but not crushed. Sometimes in doubt, but never in despair. There are many enemies, but we are never without a friend. Though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed."

If there was ever a battle cry for a Christian it is in that verse. Whatever happens around us, whatever seasons of doubt and discouragement we encounter...we are NEVER alone. That never changes. HE never changes.

Taking A Time Out

All of you who have kids under the age of 4, or (like me) are regularly around that age group, are extremely familiar with the concept of a time out! This morning I found myself in need of a self-imposed time out. For some reason I woke up on the grumpy side of the bed and just couldn't seem to snap myself out of it as I began working.

I worked through the morning hours in a slightly dark mood and then finally stopped, thinking to myself that I had to find a way to get rid of this completely unnecessary icky mood. Just knowing that I was IN a bad mood for no reason was cheesing me off...vicious cycle!

One of the things I've decided to work on is taking time out of my day (every day!) to spend with God. To get back to reading His Word and praying...to take the focus off myself and pray for my family, my friends and others rather than allow myself to wallow in the daily frustrations of life.

So I took a time out.

With God.

I turned everything off...and if you know me, you know how hard that is! I do my best work with music or Food Network on in the background - I don't work well in total silence! However, the Creator of the universe deserves my undivided attention...so I put my insane urge to multi-task on hold and sat in silence.

I am reading my way through a book my sister Kate lent me called "If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy - Making the Choice to Rejoice" by Lindsey O'Connor. I'm not a parent yet and won't be for a few years, but the concepts in this book translate to so many areas of my life, even not having kids!

The chapter I read today focused on getting to know God better. She broke it down into 3 "P's":

1. Poring over His Word
2. Praising Him
3. Praying to Him

Besides bringing joy, God's Word is able to convict, correct, confirm and train us in righteousness. Through His Word we come to know Him and His will for us...if we don't read it, how can we really know Him? I have to say I felt a decent-sized twinge in my conscience reading that excerpt!

Praising God is one thing we can do to shift our focus from ourselves and our problems to God. The Lord inhabits the praises of His people and we can enter His presence when we praise Him! This is exactly why I took a time out, I knew I needed to change my focus, and what better way than by thanking God for all He is and all He does in my life?

Prayer is a privilege, the ability to have direct access to God is a gift. Our relationship grows when we want to commune with God. Don't wait to ascend to your ivory tower and don robes of righteousness to begin praying. Pray today, wherever you are, in whatever condition you find yourself! This is a perfect summation of what prayer should be, and what I aspire to do each day.

I have this great little system for praying for those I love and for whom I have committed to pray. It's my little "prayer box" that contains 3x5 cards with requests and answered prayers. Before I start praying through the "requests" file, I go back to the "answered" section and thank God, recognizing the amazing answers to prayers He has given me. It always puts me in the right frame of mind to pray.

Today I read Psalm 37. I am reading through Psalms and it has quickly become my favorite book of the Bible. I love the practical application I find there and am so encouraged by David's pronouncements of God's faithfulness.

Many verses jumped off the page for me today, check 'em out:

v. 3-4 : Trust in the Lord and do good, dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

v. 7a : Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him. (I definitely need reminding of this!)

v. 8b : Do not fret - it only causes harm. (Ok, God, I get it...I need to stop worrying)

v. 9b : Those who wait on the Lord, they shall inherit the earth. (There's that whole "have patience" theme again!)

v. 21b : The righteous shows mercy and gives.

v. 23-24 : The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord and He delights in his way. Though he may fall, he will not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds Him with His hand. (This made smile and I could actually feel my shoulders relaxing as God reminded me that He will always take care of me)

v. 28a : The Lord loves justice and does not forsake His saints.

v. 39-40 : The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord, He is their strength in times of trouble because they trust in Him.

Sometimes grownups need time outs too! I'm so glad I took the time to sit down and spend about an hour with God through His Word and prayer.

Putting it All Into Practice

"It has been an interesting week."

I feel like I say this sentence constantly! Constant repetition doesn't make it any less true, it just is a reflection that Aaron and I are in an "interesting" phase in our lives at the moment. I think I need to come up with a new catchphrase to use when people ask me how I'm doing...

How about, "It has been a shockingly bizarre week" or "I did things I never thought I'd do this week" or (my favorite) "I'm trying to hang on and at the same time become a better version of myself this week, how are you?"

This week has mostly been good. Aaron was able to get a shift at the new surgery center where he works and it looks like business might be picking up there, plus he got another 2 shifts at the hospital for March. Any news in that area is good!

Our first small group meeting was last Sunday and it's only been a week, but we've already started really developing some relationships with the people we met. It truly is an amazing group of people - we're all so different and even though we're at different phases in our lives, we're able to encourage each other and study God's word together...pretty incredible!

It feels good to be connected - the series our church is doing is called "freegrowthreport.com" and is really centered around taking a hard and honest look at your spiritual growth, identifying what areas need work and then taking those steps to grow. I love the sermon series and our small group is really built around expanding those Sunday sermons into practical areas of our lives.
One of the areas Aaron and I have really committed to working on together is reading the Bible. We were both fortunate enough to grow up in Christian homes and in the church, participated in memorizing verses, AWANA and even Bible quizzing...yet somehow that area of our lives has really fallen by the wayside. Not a good thing when the Bible is a major way God speaks to us!

I am proud to report that we've both been reading daily this week, both together and separately. Together we're working through the book of Proverbs, taking 2 chapters at a time. It really is an incredible book, full of so much practical wisdom. On my own I'm reading a book my sister Kate lent me (If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy) along with a Psalm a day.

The Psalm I read today just really impacted me, it was an incredible reminder of just how amazing our God is...we try to put Him in this little human box, to try to understand his vast awesomeness and it severely limits our view of Him and his power.

Psalm 29 (Excerpts from)

³The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the LORD thunders over the mighty waters.
⁴ The voice of the LORD is powerful;
the voice of the LORD is majestic.
⁷ The voice of the LORD strikes
with flashes of lightning.
⁹ The voice of the LORD twists the oaks
and strips the forests bare.
And in his temple all cry, “Glory!”
¹⁰ The LORD sits enthroned over the flood;
the LORD is enthroned as King forever.
¹¹ The LORD gives strength to his people;
the LORD blesses his people with peace.

I think too often I am guilty of putting my own human limitations on God, of brushing off problems in my life as not worth of His attention or of being too big for Him to handle...which is insane considering we're talking about the omniscient, omnipresent being who created the entire universe, right?

Now that I have started reading His Word daily, I've noticed a difference...I look forward to that time, it sets the tone for my entire day. I read on my own in the morning and again with Aaron that night...its the perfect way to begin and end my day.

Of course this is only week one of trying to make this a habit, so I could absolutely use your prayers that I keep putting God's Word as a priority in my life and please let me know if there's anything I can pray about for any of you!