Fiona in January

Fiona in January

Monday, February 15, 2010

Learning hurts sometimes

So I've been holding off posting something new because I really wanted this blog to be a somewhat lighthearted, fun commentary on how I see the world around me...and lately I've been having a bit of a rough time.

I won't go into too many details - mostly because this is the Internet and anyone could read this and, "hi...embarrassing!" but suffice to say I've been struggling with some medication side effects that have really thrown me for a loop. I've always been a really confident (sometimes overly so) person, seen myself as being strong and independent, ready to take whatever life flings my way. But for the past several weeks (since I started this particular medication) I've been feeling things I've never felt before. Anxiety - completely unfounded anxiety. It's bizarre. I know rationally that nothing is actually "wrong" and I don't have anything to be anxious about, yet my emotions are all over the place, rollercoaster-ing (yes - I know I just invented that word!) out of control. I can burst into uncontrollable tears at the drop of a hat as waves of unfocused anxiety wash over me.

My life is wonderful! I have a fantastic fiance who I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with, a family who is supportive of me, a good job and great rationally I know there is no reason for this awful stomach-churning anxiety that hits me almost every evening.

I am sticking with the medication for now, hoping to ride out the side-effects until my system "normalizes" in hopefully another month. But in the meantime, it's starting to take its toll on me.

So what to do? And why did I title this post "Learning hurts sometimes"?

I am taking this opportunity to strengthen my relationship with God and seek His help, will and purpose for me. He said it my weakness He is strong and I am clinging to that truth with every fiber of my being right now. I know that logically these feeling of anxiety, fear and nausea are being caused by a medication - but why not seek for what God could be trying to teach me through this difficult time? For the first time in a long time I am daily spending time in His Word (working through Proverbs right now - it's AMAZING), praying and delving deeper into personal devotions at night (reading Small Changes for a Better Life by Elizabeth George). I find myself daily reminded that I need God in my life, desperately need Him and I cannot control and should not constantly seek to control every aspect of my life...I need to be able to humble myself, relinquish control and trust Him to guide me as I continue to seek Him every day.

It's not easy...some days are better than others, but hopefully as the side effects calm down and my body gets used to this medication I'll not only feel like myself again, but can look back and see how God used this miserable situation to bring me closer to Himself and grow in my faith and become a witness to others of His awesomeness.

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