Fiona in January

Fiona in January

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

A Change in Thinking

Do you think that by deciding to be an optimist, a person can become one?

Lately I've started to try to really examine what makes me worry, be anxious and overly-emotional without warning. These reactions aren't severe or paralyzing, but they definitely affect me and I'm trying to get at the root of the cause, as this hasn't been a life-long habit for me. If anything I used to never worry ENOUGH, just would coast through life making decisions that felt right and trusting that things would eventually work out.

For some reason my brain doesn't seem to be able to work that way anymore. I don't know if it's just the fact that I'm older (and some may argue, wiser) and the point of just how much I could possibly lose is being driven home to me. However, instead of empowering me to be less selfish and take the potential consequences of my actions into consideration, it has been causing this bubbling well of worry to constantly simmer somewhere in my midsection.

Part of me wonders if it's a reaction to the massive amount of change in my life over the past few months and the anticipation of even more in the months to come...yet I can't really pinpoint being anxious about anything in particular that will take place in my life in the near future (getting married, moving to the Eastern Shore, finding a new job, etc). Instead, I'm excited about those changes and am so looking forward to finally feeling "at home" and settled instead of viewing every life situation as being temporary.

So what is it?

What am I so worried about?

One of the things that has just recently been somewhat revealed to me is that I am afraid of being alone. Not actually physically being alone in a house or room, etc...but losing the people I love so much and being actually alone. Where does this worry come from? It frustrates me on a near-daily basis now because I don't understand why I've started to worry about this to such an intense level - I never did before.

It's a worry I bring before God every day, asking for His strength and help as I constantly lean on the truth that He will never leave me or forsake me. But still...I find myself affected by this anxiety over potential alone-ness almost every day.

So what to do?


  1. Sweet Emily,
    I know how you feel. But what I have to tell you doesn't really fix it. What I have learned is that, the truth is... you will lose some of those you love. So you can't waste time worrying, it's inevitable... Instead spend all that energy loving them so that if and when you lose them you will have no regrets, only beautiful memories. :0)

  2. Kristi - I wish you were here to hug right now. Thank you so much...